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Royal Portrush Golf Club...Friday 5th March 2010

Dear members,

 apologies for the lateness of these reports it is down to the ash from Iceland, that has clogged my computer keynoard. Run out of money and then set the place on fire, typical foreign johnnies! 

 Let us turn firstly to the fine day that was had at Royal Portrush where we had a good turnout of some 34 souls and a good many of that number stayed to sample the culinary delights of the Port. 

  Let me start by giving you a warning should you ever find yourself in Cloughmills and be in need of prawn cocktail crisps and a can of Coke. Do not be fooled by the shop in the middle of the street that has a Post Office sign and looks like a small supermarket. It is not and indeed although it does contain a Post Office, it is a butchers shop. It cost me the price of two sausage rolls to escape after I realised that I had made an error and did not want to appear a total fool to the staff,many of whom looked like Edward and Tubbs Tattsyrup (see below) from League of Gentlemen.

 For those of you who have ever watched 'The League of Gentlemen ' (usually now on Dave) this place is Royston Vasey! Hilary Briss would not have been out of place in this shop and I was tempted to ask for some of the ' special stuff', but I didn't lest I end up in a meat pie on the counter. 

On another thought about pies ,if you ever get an invite to see Sweeney Todd the musical go and you will wet yourself at it. It is not meant to be a comedy.

 The weather was kind and the course was good but the frost on the greens meant a half hour delay in the start times. The other strange thing about the day was the club ruling on the  moving of the ball to the sides of the fairway. I found that on occasion I was disadvantaged by this, as my duffs ended up in a bunker, rather than the usual Sally Gunnells' that I am used to, ugly but a good runner.

 On the same thought I welcomed the arrival of hole nine and the lovely little toilet block that resides in the trees behind the green. I had bravely soldiered on to that point, avoiding the temptation to squat Paula Ratcliffe like in the rough before then, in the hope of a soft seat in the le neuf noveau peesine.

 Alas this was to a forlorn hope as arrival at it's welcoming door was met with a keypad and a request for the correct number sequence to gain entry to the promised land. So it ended up a trip round to the back wall after all. What, I ask you is the point of these toilets in their present state?

 Surely they exist for golfers going round the course, how likely is it that they will be used by those staggering out of Kellys and trying to find their way back to Juniper Hill or Carrick Dhu.

 " Look mate, put it away and don't pee in that garden , there's a toilet over there, a mile and a half away across that long and rough grass ,let's go there" is a phrase that you'll not often hear.

 So Royal P, let us have the combo before we good out!!

It was a day of fine scores, quite acceptable food and the maiden speech of new Captain Joe Kearney who made the usual pigs.... good job of it.

 But on now to the real point of the day and the handing over of the prizes that were so cruelly (again) snatched from my own good hands by those who did nothing more than score more points than I . Where is the justice!

 Visitors winner... was John O' Neill  with a splendid 37 points.

 Best front nine... A locks blowing in the sea breezes  Albert Kirk.

 Best back nine... A returned to the fold (which fold?) ,MBE emblazoned Ivan McMichael.

 High Section runner up... Michael Lofty Cairns with a fantastic 33 points.

 High Section winner.. Cyril Troy OAP with an almost home inspired fine 34 points.

 Low Section runner up... Toby Bradford  with a well turned out 34 points.

 Low Section winner... With a  finely honed 35 points was Dessie Houston.

 Overall runner up.... with 37 points was an inspired Des Magee.

 Overall winner.... was Stephen Grimason with an OFADFM let out for the day  39 points. 

That concludes the report on Portrush so go and have some lunch/dinner/tea or for the plants among you (you know who you are Florian) methadrone before you start on Clandeboye as it could be a while yet!!